I took my bike for a ride on the roof of my car... a.k.a. booze and boobs

I got a call a few months ago that some of my college friends were going to meet up in Las Vegas for a mountain bike trip. I know what you are thinking, there is no mountain biking in Vegas. I assure you there is. There are two places that are supposed to be fun to ride near the strip. One is Boulder City and the other is Red Rock Canyon. I promised my friends up and down that I would show. I have this tendency to say I am going to come and then bail at the last minute. I figured since LA was so close to Vegas I really had no excuse. No one really believed I would come and to be honest until I got about a 100 miles outside of LA I wasn't sure I would go either. I enlisted one of my LA friends (Rob) that likes to bike to come on the trip. We packed up the car Friday around noon and hit the road.

We actually didn't hit the road until about 2 pm. There was one small stop at Bay Cities where I had to eat a Meatball Parm sandwich that was the size of my head. Once on the road we got lost on the 10 going through downtown. I know, I know, how do you get lost going to Vegas. You only take one road to get there. The answer lies in trying to take the 210. Long story short we got to Vegas around 7 pm.

Now I could go into the play by play of the trip but I think I will try to keep it brief with a timeline.

Friday - Sunday
12:00pm - Pack bikes, get lunch, head for Vegas
7:00pm - Arrive in Vegas
7:30pm - Meet up with friends who are in disbelief I am there - begin drinking
9:00pm - Keep drinking, eat a huge steak
10:00pm - Keep drinking, go to the Crazy Horse, get rubbed with boobs while my friend learns about mortgages from a stripper. Buzzkill
12:00am - Keep drinking, proceed to the Mirage, lose money making sucker bets at craps
1:30am - Keep drinking, head over to the Hard Rock, play Blackjack
5:00am - Go to sleep
12:00pm - Wake from my stupor
1:00pm - Laugh at the thought of bike riding that day
1:15pm - Eat a 4 dollar breakfast
2:00pm - Watch tons of bad TV - a.k.a. Angel Eyes with Jennifer Lopez
7:00pm - Meet up with friends, drink sake and eat sushi
9:00pm - Head back to the HardRock, lose more money at craps and black jack
10:00pm - Head back to the Tuscany Suites (my hotel off hotwire), pissed about losing money
11:00pm - Eat a quesadiia and hit the casino at the Tuscany Suites, gamble gamble gamble
3:00am - Head back to the room, pass out
8:00am - Wake up and laugh at the thought of riding
9:00am - Drive home
1:00pm - Arrive in LA
2:00pm - Nap the day away

So basically I took my bike on a 300 mile ride on the roof of my car. There was no riding. I would consider this a half bail if I had to rate the trip. I did show up which give me tons of credit but I didn't ride so I loose just as much.

Overall it was a good trip. Special thanks to Rob's friend who lives in Vegas for really making the trip worth while. He is responsible for the steaks and strippers. What more could you want in a friend.

As A.J. Benza put it... "Fame aint it a bitch"

Last night was a crowning achievement in broadcast television. VH1 had the premier of the new Surreal Life. For those of you who have not seen the show, it is basically a reality show where washed up celebrities live in a house together.

On this season, you have China (formally of the WWE) show up to the house in a bikini that refuses to cover her left man boob. I could do nothing but laugh as China takes the only single room in the house that just happens to have nothing but miniature furniture. Once she figures out the room belongs to Verne Troyer she tells the cast that it is time for a small person to be a big person and let her have the room. Fucking awesome.

If that wasn't enough Mini Me gets wasted and drives his electric wheel chair nude into the living room and pisses on the floor.

One other oddity about the show is that Christopher Knight a.k.a. Peter Brady is on the show and he is jacked. I don't remember the Brady kids having a bench press set up next to the vista cruiser in the garage.

Check the show out. You wont be disappointed.

Movie Marathon

During the last two weeks I found myself spending a lot of time on the couch as I waited for my ass to heal. In that time I found myself watching many many crappy movies. I was actually amazed at how many movies I watched. Some were good but most were crap. Here is what I can remember.

CRAP:
I Robot - The tag line was "One man saw it coming". The only thing I wish I could see coming was how bad this movie was going to be. I am so sick of computer-generated movies. The effects were such shit. I expected Jar Jar Binks to jump out mid way through,
Torque - Ice Cube, Jamie Presley. Despite this movie's all-star cast this may have been the stupidest movie I have seen in a long time. This one was so bad that my digital cable wouldn't tell me what it was. All I have to say is there is a scene where Ice Cube rides a motorcycle on the roof of a train.
All About the Benjamins Here I got desperate. I watched this one on TBS in the middle of the night. I wish I had more to say about the movie but it was late.
Lady Killers - Proof that even Tom Hanks will do a few for the money. I can't believe I got this on payper view.
White Chicks - This one had a few great scenes but overall it was deuce.
Club Dread - This was another one that the digital cable didn't want to admit was on. Picture Bill Paxton playing a guy called Coconut Pete. He owns a resort where everyone is getting killed. One redeeming quality of the movie is Brittany Daniel. She is a piece of ass.
Taking Lives - Yes you get to see Angelina Jolie's breasts but at the same time you have to try and believe that Ethan Hawk is a serial killer who likes to smash people's faces in and take their identities. Other than his wife's new boyfriend who is going to believe Ethan Hawk is capable of any violence.
Godsend - Basic premise of this movie is Rebecca Romaine Stamos's kid dies so Robert Deniro clones him. I think I will blame this movie on Rebecca Romaine still being Stamosed.

NOT CRAP:
The Aviator - I wasn't sure what to expect, I was just happy to be out of my house. It turns out this was a really good movie. The subject matter was really approached well and I didn't even notice the movie was 3 hours long.
Collateral - At first I thought this movie would be shit considering Tom Cruise has some weird looking hair in it but it turned out to be a great movie. I highly recommend it.
The Last Samurai - Another Tom Cruise movie. I don't know why I waited so long to see this. Great story and awesome fight scenes.
Harold and Kumar go to White Castle - Some would have thought that this movie could have ended up in the CRAP pile but let me just say any movie that centers around going to White Castle can't be bad. Lets see you have tits, sliders, and a scene where Neil Patrick Harris trips on E and fucks a car seat. Can you say OSCAR.

There is one final movie I need to review. Eurotrip. It is on HBO right now. Not sure how it is going to go but I can tell you this much, the digital cable wont tell me what it is.

My Christmas Vacation!!!

Most people go away over Christmas. Maybe see some family or go to a tropical island. I spent my vacation healing from having my ass operated on. If you read my previous post you will learn that I had a chronic anal fissure, A cut or rip have you in my sphincter. Nothing I did worked, botox, nitroglycerin, love letters, etc. I met with Doctor Sack on December 13th. He informed me that surgery was my only option. Yes my doctor's name is Sack. Even funnier is his first name is Johnny. You either get the joke or you don't. Anyway on December 20th I went in for surgery. The surgery was two parts. First Johnny cut the sphincter muscle so that there would be fewer spasms. This was causing my horrific pain. Next Johnny covered the fissure with a piece of nice healthy skin. I know this all sounds very complicated but the whole thing took 20 minutes. I was put under what is called twilight. The only way to describe it is to say it was the best sleep of my life.

I have no recollection of the surgery. I remember having an IV put in and that is it. When I woke up I felt fine. Only weird thing was I could not feel my penis at all. It was like it was asleep. Must have been the pain blockers I was given. Johnny came by as I was getting ready to leave and told me the surgery was a success. He got in there and fixed the problem. I shouldn't have a problem ever again. He did however mention that taking a dump during the next few days may really suck since it was a fresh wound and I had stitches.

It turned out my biggest fear was the fear itself. Shitting is now fine for me but the fact that for the first week I was in total fear of going to the bathroom really made life suck. I would literally wince whenever I had a gopher peaking. I have learned a lot over this holiday season. Be nice to your fellow man, karma is a bitch, and never ever take your ass for granted. I swear from this day forward I will show my ass the love it deserves.

Wrinkle Free Ass

So the truth of the matter is I suffer from a chronic anal fissure. Yeah I said it, ANAL fissure. Picture getting a cut in the corner of your mouth. Yeah that sucks. Now picture that same cut in the corner of your ass. I have had it since about May. For the most part I feel fine but then there are times where it feels like someone with great aim is kicking me in the ass with a high heeled shoe. I have tried various techniques to get rid of it. I tried pleading with it, didn't work. I tried actually eating some fiber, no dice. Finally I tried applying nitroglycerine to the affected area. All I got was a headache. The end goal was to relax the sphincter so that the cut would heal. I was always under the impression I wanted my ass to stay as tight as possible. The doctor had told me that if all else failed I could get a botox injection directly into my sphincter to paralyze the muscle into relaxing. Well today was the day I finally decided to have it. For $580 I bought a tiny bottle of botulism. While on all fours the doctor spread my ass cheeks and gave me two shots. I honestly have never felt such pain. Now I play the waiting game. Will my ass relax enough to heal or will I need surgery. Worst of all my ass no longer can show expression.

Why can't I use carmax on it?

Halloween - 70's Gay Porn Star

I work for one of those corporations that use halloween as a team building exercise. This year my department decided to dress up as a biker gang. I don't think my costume came out right. I look more like I should be giving Ron Jeremy a high five while we take turns banging Foxy Brown in the ass.

Who knows......Judge for yourself


70's Porn star 

First Workout

Got back from my first workout with the trainer. I am not sure what I expected. Maybe some exercises involving an exercise ball and a lead anvil or perhaps running with a parachute on my back. No such luck. Workout consisted of most of the same stuff I have always done. I did get some tips on form but there was no karate kid music. The jury is still out on how helpful the training will be. Have I mentioned I may have lyme disease?

Working out with a Trainer

Today after work will be my first day working out with a trainer. Sarah got me some sessions as a gift for my birthday. Either she thinks I will enjoy it or she is to disgusted to look at me. Just because my stomach looks like cottage cheese in a zip lock bag doesn't make me a bad guy. Anyway I met with him once so far. He assessed my overall physique to gauge a starting point. After pinching me with some overgrown tweezers it was determined I have 12% body fat. Guess the skinny legs canceled out the fat gut. Also I have a knee that hyperextends and a femur pushed into my hip a bit. I am going to make one amazing old person. Will write more after the actual training session. There better be that fight song from karate kid playing in the background as I lift or I know the money was wasted.

Biking while fat

I took a ride today in the Santa Monica mountains. It may have been the most painful experience of my life. Not only was I passed by a group of old Asian hikers but I got bitten by a tick. I don't know if anyone out there has ever had one on their body but let me just say it sucks. I wasn't sure how to get it off so I decided to get rid of it with the best cleanser out there, FIRE. I held the match to my leg and watched the little guy shrivel up. Now the hypochondriac in me is wondering if I have lyme disease. I feel the fatigue coming on now.

Wild Willy Update

In a fit of rage I decided to rebuild the Wild Willy instead of selling it for money that would surely be used on nothing more than a few hambergers from Mcdonalds. I am not even sure if words can do justice to the time and energy I spent rebuilding this thing. Hours and hours of sanding and painting. Just an FYI for the people out there, Oven cleaner will strip paint off of plastic with ease. The goal was to make this thing driveable. I might have done to good a job. For now it will sit on my desk. I will try to upload some pictures.


Restored Wild Willy

Wild Willy

So I thought I would relive my childhood a bit so I had Jake send me his Wild Willy. No I am not talking about him mailing me his penis. I am talking about his remote control car from 1985. It was a little jeep that did wheelies while you drove it. Jake's parents decided to give up on life and move out of their house in Hillsdale so everything had to go. I begged Jake not to toss the willy in the dumpster but instead pay for the expensive shipping and mail it to me. I had this dream of it looking exactly as it did in 85. I pictured it just being built with that awesome rubber smell that kinda makes you high. Flash foward a week. Sitting outside my apartment are two boxes from Konoko. I ripped into them thinking I was about to relive my childhood. How right I was. Inside the box was nothing but crap. A bunch of broken parts that wreaked of oil. Everything that could have been broken was broken. Living in the past sucks. I think I am going to throw it on ebay to recoop some cash to help with my mental torment.

Original Willy